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The Year Ahead


Our resident Almanaker Steven Griffin predicts 2017.Some of the more unbelievable predictions (made just before Christmas) may already have happened.....

 

January

Claire Williams, pants definitely not on fire

With the shock announcement that the world champion is to retire, the hunt is on to replace Nico Rosberg. Lewis Hamilton tweets that he would like an older and less competitive partner. Toto Woolf approaches Monoposto Club Chairman to ask if Jim Timms is available. Mr Timms senior refuses as he already has Historic Racing commitments and suggests his close relative Jeremy Timms. Hamilton immediately vetoes the decision on the grounds that he has heard how fast Jeremy can peddle a car. Mercedes sign Bottas as their second choice. Williams F1 repeat their mantra that Lance Stroll has not been taken on as second driver because his father paid many millions to the team. Jimmy Saville is canonized for his charity work and Keith Vaz is made a Life Peer. Guy Martin appears in a new television series when he builds a nuclear submarine in his shed and tests it on the river Humber.

February

Stroll is replaced by Massa who gives back his end of service gratuity (a formula One car) and

Nicola Sturgeon, yesterday

continues qualifying outside the top ten. In a shock announcement Barbeques are banned from all English race track paddocks. A spokesperson for the MSA Mr V Egan explained that the RAC has decided to support the animal rights lobby and ban the eating of slaughtered animals at English circuits. Animals such as hares and rabbits actually killed by the cars during the course of the event were permitted with a special licence from the Clerk of the Course. It was explained that tofu and lentils would be available from race control but on a strictly first come first served basis. A delegation from the racing mechanics union (MADMEC) challenges the new regulation and is seeking clarification from the European Court of Human Rights. A ruling is expected in late 2025 sometime after Brexit. In the meantime many races are cancelled and moved to Knockhill circuit as the Scottish Parliament has allowed unrestricted paddock meat eating. An SNP spokesman made it clear that whatever the English do the Scots will do the opposite. Nicola Sturgeon is 94.

 

March

The British club racing season gets off to a troubled start. MSVL, ever anxious to preserve their assets, initiate a new ‘track limits’ rule. This regulation is aimed at a further strengthening of existing track limit rule where competitors are photographed and punished if any wheels are on the grass. The new regulation requires all cars to stick to the racing line at all times. Deviation from this line will be an offence punishable by twenty minutes in a set of stocks outside the newly built paddock vegan restaurant. After a full qualifying session where the whole Monoposto field followed in a line behind a red Formula Ireland unable to overtake, the ruling has been questioned. The driver of car 82 was consulted and reported it a great initiative as, unusually, he hadn’t been overtaken all morning.

Guy Martin grows a moustache and stars in a new television series when he solves murders in Hawaii whilst driving a red Ferrari 308.

April

A newt, yesterday Industrial, big washing machines, which our lawyer tells me have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with Keith Vaz.

A family of greater crested newts are found in the Mallory Park lake. Racing is halted immediately. Robbie Watts, who is leading at the time of the shock discovery, stops his car on the pit straight. Interviewed by the circuit commentator Robbie explained “These newts are vital to the biodiversity of the area, it would be reckless to continue”. Several cars collided with his stationary Dallara causing many thousands of pounds in damages, one fractured femur and some blunt head injuries. A BBC reporter from the natural history unit claims that the injuries and expense were “worth the while to save the planet”. In a further development circuit CCTV images were reviewed but were seen to be fuzzy and unclear. The pictures appeared to show a man pouring used sump oil into the lake. His identity was unclear but the letters CSCC were just possible to make out. The police were called but were unable to attend as they were dealing with what was thought to be a hate crime - a spectator had suggested that some members of the Monoposto club might be middle aged, have thining hair and were slightly overweight. (Shurely shome mishtake?ed) Local MP Keith Vaz expressed concern, members of the club are receiving counseling.

 

May

After renewed inspection the Mallory Park lake is deemed to be newt free. Racing resumes. During the circuit closure all race meetings were held in the car park of the Leicester branch of B&Q. The move was seen as positive by many competitors as it was deemed less bumpy than the normal circuit and it was easier to get out of the paddock between races. The addition of the burger van in the corner of the car park was greatly appreciated by the racers who had been complaining of colonic upsets and excessive gas from eating too many lentils.

Guy Martin stars in a new television series where he climbs up very tall buildings and talks to camera about how much better it was when small boys were sent up chimneys to sweep them.

June

Steve Griffin, spoilt by lens flare

In his never ending effort to smarten up British club racing Dr Jonathan Palmer takes an initiative from airline practice. Before all flights cabin crews are subjected to a hair and nail check. The crew is inspected to see that their hair is neat and their hands and fingernails are clean. After getting to the assembly area the new regulation requires all drivers to remove their helmets and gloves to facilitate the scrutineers inspection. Drivers Cotton and Griffin fail the hair test as they don’t have enough and most of the other drivers fail the nail test. Racing is delayed whilst the drivers go to scrub their hands, races 5,6,7 and 8 are all cancelled due to time constraints. The initiative is said to be a great success by all at MSVL.

July

A competitor erects a small temporary paddock structure

Sterling takes a further tumble on the foreign exchange markets and European Racing is considered too expensive for Monoposto Club. A meeting is hastily arranged in Ukraine where British currency remains strong. Despite two hours of track time and use of the biggest shed on the Chernobyl circuit the Ukraine race is not well supported. The eight day each way road trip may have negatively influenced competitors. Promises of high tyre temperatures from the still glowing ground around the circuit failed to tempt drivers or their families.

At the Monoposto AGM the usual endless arguments continue around class structure. After the failure of the previous electric class when the only propulsive power came from used RedTop batteries a novel strategy is hammered out. In a further effort to remain environmentally aware a new Chip Class is introduced. Engines of any size are permitted as long is 90% of the fuel is made from recycled chip fat.

Guy Martin stars in a new television series where people bake cakes. One episode is filmed at the annual Monoposto Baking Grand Prix.

August

An Highlander, yesterday

AVIT Racing returns to Monoposto. Technical interest in the new Chip Class and the presence of a very busy Fish and Chip shop adjacent to the Doncaster Headquarters of AVIT further tempt the Yorkshire team. The new car based around the previously seen and much admired Highlander One is powered by a turbocharged Range Rover Diesel V8. The weight distribution is, by necessity, somewhat towards the rear. The new car has only one gear as the torque is such that more are considered unnecessary. The car is very popular in the paddock during warm up as the smell of cooking Savaloys, fish and chicken drum sticks is greatly appreciated by the meat-starved racers who have been on a diet of tofu and pulses. Ewen Sergison puts the car on pole for the race beating a whole field of Formula 3 Dallaras

September

The Monoposto web site is hacked into by the Russians. Crucial information about names, dates of birth and car details are lost. Club Chairman Eddie Guest phones President Putin and demands that he “Cut it out immediately’.

Cadwell Park race track is designated an area of outstanding natural beauty. The circuit which nestles in the quiet Lincolnshire Wolds has always been popular with club racing enthusiasts. In accordance with the new status the paddock is ploughed and the collecting area returned to its natural state, a swamp. Nobody notices.

Donald Trump is impeached. Finally the American public realise that they have elected an imbecile as their President. Vladimir Putin takes charge of Congress.

Guy Martin stars in a new television series where he is locked in prison with a much younger man called Godber.

 

October

JT shows a clean pair of heels to L Hamilton

The Formula 1 season comes towards its climax. So far all races have finished in the same order as qualifying. In an effort to reduce costs Channel 4 reuses the race commentary from 2016 with a small computer addition of the word ‘Timms’ instead of ‘Rosberg’. Few outside the West Country notice. Lewis Hamilton declares himself a Muslim in deference to his hero Mohammed Ali. Hamilton changes his name to Saddam Hussain. The Mercedes AMG sponsors are not happy. Nikki Lauda is quoted as saying “Lewis is Lewis”. The 2015 world champion’s contract is not renewed. Excitement builds amongst Monoposto drivers, who all wait by their’phones for a possible call from Toto.

A phone awaiting Toto

 

November

The Monoposto championship comes to an end with the Highlander Chip Fat car sweeping all before it. Orders for replica cars flood in from as far away as Sleaford and Grimsby.

Guy Martin stars in a new television series where he races a motorbike at unbelievable speed around the Isle of Man. Critical success is guaranteed when he says that his race preparation is a quick w**k in his van and a kebab.

 

Happy New Year everyone

 

Steven Griffin

 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Disclaimer: The above represents only the unofficial view of the writer and not of the Monoposto Racing Club in any way whatsover. Subheadlines and captions are not originated from the named author. We are unable to reproduce results due to copyright reasons. If any pictures are copyright and the owner wishes them removed please email us.