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Some notable dates for your diary 2013

Steven Griffin gets out his crystal balls:


The President of the Royal Society announces that he has asked Ron Dennis Chairman and CEO of McLaren to lecture on Chaos Theory. Mr Dennis has asked that the lecture theatre in the Royal Society should be painted metallic silver in deference to his sponsors.

Suzi Perry

Suzi Perry is made anchor woman on the BBC’s coverage of Formula 1 racing.

Several hundred thousand Sky Sport viewers cancel their subscription.

Sylvester Stallone issues a press statement suggesting that his next film blockbuster will be based around the life and times of Monoposto racing in the UK. He states that the film will be aimed at an adult audience as it will contain a no holds barred expose of the goings on around the annual baking grand prix.

There will be a warning that the film contains:-

Adult themes.
Scenes of a sexual nature.
Strong Language.
Mild violence and cakes.

Chaos, yesterday.


Dave Lee Travis is to be replaced as the DJ for the Monoposto dinner dance. Jonathan King said he was available that weekend but was not booked.


George Monbiot is announced as a new presenter on the BBC’s popular car-based comedy show Top Gear. The Director General of the BBC welcomed the news and hoped that all six Guardian readers would now watch Top Gear. Monbiot will be introducing items on vegetarian cooking and self righteousness.

Muppet and Monbiot


Sky Formula 1 channel is closed due to poor viewing figures.

The spokesman for Mr Murdoch says that “Multi-channel, drivers’ view coverage with informed comment from Martin Brundle and his colleagues seems to have been bested by a programme shown late at night and fronted by a woman in her forties who seems to know a bit about motorsport. We just don’t understand.”

Kylie Minogue is to replace Martin Brundle in Sky TV’s new grand prix programme.


Jeremy Clarkson leaves Top Gear suggesting irreconcilable editorial differences with the new presenter. He is made President of the road safety organisation Brake.

Mr Clarkson stated that he was tired of driving around in circles, doing powerslides in other peoples’ cars.

He had always wondered what that pedal in the middle was for anyway.

Massa, delighted to hear Fern news

The grand prix driver market opens up when Felipe Massa announces that he is going to Team Fern. Massa’s spokesman says that “Felipe is interested in a new challenge and he just couldn’t let pass the opportunity to race in the Monoposto Premier 1600 class in one of Team Fern’s Vauxhall Juniors. He has agreed terms which include unlimited tea and cakes and use of the team caravan if he gets lucky after practice.” No one from Team Fern was available to comment on the rumour that the team principle is to be part of a direct swap with the Scuderia.

Geoff Fern tests new Ferrari colour scheme
Jim Timms
Motor Sport Magazine advertises one of their Evenings With series. In these soirees a well known racing legend attends a dinner with paying guests and reminisces about times past. Niki Lauda is unavailable and Jim Timms steps in to great reviews. Mr Timms says “I was only dropping by to tie my shoe laces and buy some Woodbines but Nigel Roebuck recognised me and I got roped in.”


The last Monoposto race of the season is won by Steven Griffin. The sun rises in the West, The Pope marries a Victoria’s Secret model, North Korea is invited to join the G8 and Gordon Brown is voted Britain’s greatest ever prime Minister.


The Monoposto board meet to discuss next year’s rules. Dermot Healy announces that he has just bought a job lot of Romanian Formula Dacia cars. The cars come with engines and wheels and at least one spare tyre (“worn but with some miles left on it”). The board consider his offer. Monoposto becomes a One Make Series:MonoDacia.

Alain Prost racing a Dacia. An Dacia at Dermot Healy's state of the art computer controlled centralised distribution facility, yesterday


Simon Davey is knighted in the New Year’s Honours List for Services to Motorsport. Sir Simon admitted that he had declined a Peerage. Sir Simon admits that the gong will look nice next to his 25metres breast stroke certificate and his Cycling proficiency (Knight of the Road) badge.

Kimi Raikkonen is the new face of the Department of Health’s annual drink driving campaign. In a press statement Mr Raikkonen says that he advocates sobriety at all times but he does have some sympathy for teetotallers as they know that how they feel in the morning is as good as it’s going to get.

Steven Griffin

Disclaimer: The above represents only the unofficial view of the writer and not of the Monoposto Racing Club in any way whatsover. Subheadlines and captions are not originated from the named author. If any pictures are copyright and the owner wishes them removed please email us.