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The year ahead....


Steve Griffin gets his crystal ball out.

January

As part of the general shake up at the Scuderia Ferrari several important changes have been announced. The recruitment of Sebastian Vettel as team leader and the dismissal of the team manager have taken effect. Piero Ferrari announced at a surprise news conference held in Doncaster that the team had decided to relocate from its historic base at Maranello and seek an alternative location for their operations. Mr Ferrari commented that making racing cars in Northern Italy was like selling ice creams on a beach. The task was too easy and the workforce needed a new challenge.

In a surprise move he announced that the team would be relocating to Ashton-Under-Lyne in Greater Manchester. When asked what prompted this unexpected move he suggested that the proximity to an international airport and the availability of testing opportunities at Oulton Park (not on Sundays) were a consideration but the main draw had been the ready supply of part-used racing car spares at reasonable prices. Kimi Raikkonen, also present at the announcement, mentioned that he had recently developed a taste for Mild and Bitter and a proximity to Oldham allowed him to indulge his newest interest.

 

The Scuderia rapidly made itself at home in Ashton Under Lyne

Monaco? Redditch? who can tell the difference?

February

The Monoposto AGM moved to at a new location this year. Shunning the delights of its usual Midlands hotel accommodation the meeting was held at the Hotel de Paris in Monaco. Delegates were in wonder to see the roof of the restaurant open to reveal the night sky. One or two members were late and made their apologies that they had missed the exit on the M42. After a pleasant meal and coffee served with After Eights (25 Euros per wafer) the new rules for 2015 were announced. Members were generally happy with the new regulations but the most significant rule change was kept until the end of the meeting, sadly by then most had departed leaving the club chairman to settle the bill.

March

English car constructors Morgan announce that they are to enter the World Endurance Championship. The Malvern manufacturers say they have been impressed by the concept of the Nissan ZEOD type race cars. The narrow front track has been of considerable interest to them. A spokesman for the new Morgan racing team which be known as MOGGIE said that the concept has been developed around the historic Morgan principal of using three wheels rather than four. Weight saving and aerodynamic efficiency are behind the design brief. The new Morgan WEC car has two rear wheels and one front. The power from the steam turbine is driven through the single front axle.

Morgan cars under the name MOGGIE enter the WEC event at Spa.. Lord Dyson, a keen exponent of novel race car design, was released from hospital after a short spell in intensive care. The novel vehicle was found under the retaining tyre barrier at La Source. The driver was heard to say “She understeers a bit…”as he was pulled from the wreckage.

Charles Morgan tests the first prototype of the revolutionary 3 wheeler. Note the innovative Frontal Head Restraint, a silk scarf knotted to the rollbar.

April

The new relationship between Honda and McLaren has not gone well. Jenson Button has recently started mowing his lawn with his Honda mower and he noticed that the engine repeatedly cut out and he had to be towed from his back garden. The mower then caught fire and burned his shed down. A spokesman for Honda said that the problems were to be expected with a new power unit and he felt that a small adjustment to the ride height with that funny looking red lever under the seat should allow the team to make progress. Fernando Alonso was able to put his mower on the second row of the grid at the Chinese Grand Prix.

Scotland Yard have announced that no charges will be brought against a number of individuals arrested under Operation Yewtree. Inspector P Lod speaking at a news conference admitted that arresting every driver that competed in the 1976 Grand Prix season was perhaps a step too far. When questioned he explained that the rationale behind the arrests was that these people had been famous in the 1970s and now forgotten and therefore were very likely to have committed crimes. He failed to apologise to the surviving sportsmen saying "you never can be too careful you know".

May

Bernie Ecclestone announces his retirement from his ruling position within Formula 1. A short list of candidates to replace him has been drawn up. These include ex politician Nick Clegg, who lost seat (along with his deposit) at the recent general election, Salman Rushdie the author, Sir Ian Botham the ex sportsman and Sister Wendy the art historian. Suggestions that somebody who actually knows about motorsport was considered for the job were said to be wide of the mark.

Formula One could be run by a pensioner who is completely out of touch with proper motorsport, and has lived protected from the real world for many years. Alternatively, Sister Wendy could take the job over from Bernie.
Clumsily photoshopped picture purporting to show Ron and Fred being friends.

June

There were further troubles for the McLaren team when it was disclosed that Fernando Alonso had leaked design documents to his old friends at Ferrari. The FIA have now ruled that that the lawn mower blades constitute a movable aerodynamic device. Mr Dennis has been fined $1,000,000 by the FIA. He was told that the breakdown of the fine was $1 for breaking the Concorde agreement and $999,999 for being a w**ker. It would seem that Mr Moseley still has power with the FIA.

July

The British Grand Prix this year is held at Cadwell Park. The Lincolnshire circuit being chosen after intense competition from Brands Hatch and Donington Park. The fast swoops of the undulating track being used for the first time for Formula 1 cars. Pole position was taken by Nico Rosberg in his Mercedes. Lewis Hamilton filled the other space on the front row after making an uncharacteristic error at the Mountain and crashing in to the Medical Centre. Dr N E R D’Eath was at the time of the incident attending to the amorous needs of one of the Child Protection Officers (see Max Verstappen) . The social worker in question was heard to say that she was hoping that the earth would move but was surprised when the ceiling caved in after the Mercedes landed on the roof.
MSVR, the owners of Cadwell Park report that they hope the queue for the ladies lavatory will clear by September.

It wouldn't be the first time a car has landed on the roof - Major Peter Braid suffered bruising when his Cooper MkIII ended up on the roof at Blandford Camp in 1949
This is either the scrutineering bay in North Korea, or the world's scariest boy band video.

August

The FIA announce that several new races will be added to the 2016 calendar. Skeptics wonder whether these novel events may be to allow Honda to circumvent the ruling on the number of engines available per year. Current regulations specify that only five power units are available per season. Should the number of races be more than twenty the rule can be relaxed.

The promoters of the Grand Prix in North Korea, Moldova, Greenland, The Solomon Islands, Papua New Guinea and South Georgia are all adamant that their races will go ahead in 2016. Jean Todt was unavailable for comment but an FIA spokesman explained that the full calendar would be implemented but he was sorry to announce that the race planned for one of the Moons of Jupiter had been cancelled. Mr Ecclestone is 96.

September

The World Anti Doping Administration WADA have announced some changes to the list of permitted drugs and chemical stimulants. During the latter part of 2014 there had been suggestions from an unconfirmed Middle Eastern source that bacon Sandwiches contained a hitherto unknown performance enhancing substance. It was noted that certain drivers had performed unexpectedly well when they had eaten this delicacy prior to racing. The suspicions had been confirmed during a trip to Spa Francorchamps when the same drivers had only had Frites and Mayonnaise and their performance had been much reduced. After exhaustive tests it was decided that burger vans would be banned from all UK circuits.

WADA further examined the popular cold and flu remedy ‘Night Nurse’.. It is well known that it is a particularly pleasant drug that affords cold sufferers a good night’s sleep. Until now it has been considered to contain a banned substance. WADA have looked at the evidence and reaffirmed their previous rulings but have now allowed the new drug ‘Afternoon Nurse in the Motorhome’ to be allowed for club motorsport competitors. The new remedy will be available at all UK circuits if the temperature drops below 15C and rain is forecast.

Samantha, the Monoposto nurse, seen in a paddock.

October

The BBC Top Gear programme makes the news again. In an effort to increase awareness of motoring in the Middle East the popular TV team have moved production to the United Arab Emirates. Jeremy Clarkson explained that he was enjoying his new life but was finding it strange that he has been branded a namby pamby liberal softie with worryingly left wing views since moving to Dubai.

The ever popular slot in the programme of A Star in a reasonably priced car has continued only with an Emirati flavour. Some local viewers have criticized the choice of Ferrari California as the reasonably priced car. A man with a beard suggested that it was a ridiculous choice as he certainly didn’t know anyone with a car that cheap.

November

Hyundai, Dacia and Isuzu have announced that they will entering Formula 1 in 2016. Possible drivers include Pastor Maldonado, Jim Timms and Peter Venn, in the event of none of these veterans being available the new teams have asked applications from anyone with a clean driving licence.

Jennifer Sirrell has requested an alteration in Monoposto rules to allow the fitting of a baby seat in her race car.

After months of unhappiness with the handling of his 2015 Ferrari the mechanics cut a 4x4cm hole in the undertray of Sebastian Vettel’s car. The young German driver immediately found two seconds a lap and stated that he was happy that at last he a had a blown floor.

December

Jenson Button finishes mowing his lawn.

Monoposto has long desired to be seen as an Eco Friendly Club and to this end a new class of Mono E has been formed. Cars must conform to the usual safety standards and weight restrictions but propulsive power must be entirely from used Red Top batteries. It was decided that this would be an economical solution as all members have several of these items in their workshops. There are to be two classes. 12 and 24 volts, this will allow members with particularly flat batteries to double up and extract the last few Watts of power. Some reservations were expressed about the power units and it was suggested that removal of spark plugs and engagement of the starter motors should guarantee at least 25 yards of competitive racing. The purchase of new batteries would be considered unsporting and would result in instant suspension from all club activities.

Regular readers will not be surprised to learn that Asst Ed carries pictures of Red Top batteries on his computer.

 

Below, Jenson's garden after a few Motor Mower Generator Unit - Heat development non-conformal sub-optimal temperature performance alignment occurences. (Mclaren Ron-speak for "fire".)

 

 

Disclaimer: The above represents only the unofficial view of the writer and not of the Monoposto Racing Club in any way whatsover. Subheadlines and captions are not originated from the named author. We are unable to reproduce results due to copyright reasons. If any pictures are copyright and the owner wishes them removed please email us.

No Lawnmowers, 3 wheeler Morgans or Ferraris were harmed in the making of this article.