As part of the general shake up at the Scuderia Ferrari
several important changes have been announced. The recruitment
of Sebastian Vettel as team leader and the dismissal of the
team manager have taken effect. Piero Ferrari announced at
a surprise news conference held in Doncaster that the team
had decided to relocate from its historic base at Maranello
and seek an alternative location for their operations. Mr
Ferrari commented that making racing cars in Northern Italy
was like selling ice creams on a beach. The task was too easy
and the workforce needed a new challenge.
In a surprise move he announced that the team would be relocating
to Ashton-Under-Lyne in Greater Manchester. When asked what
prompted this unexpected move he suggested that the proximity
to an international airport and the availability of testing
opportunities at Oulton Park (not on Sundays) were a consideration
but the main draw had been the ready supply of part-used racing
car spares at reasonable prices. Kimi Raikkonen, also present
at the announcement, mentioned that he had recently developed
a taste for Mild and Bitter and a proximity to Oldham allowed
him to indulge his newest interest.
The Scuderia rapidly made itself at home in
Ashton Under Lyne
||Monaco? Redditch? who can tell the difference?
The Monoposto AGM moved to at a new location this year.
Shunning the delights of its usual Midlands hotel accommodation
the meeting was held at the Hotel de Paris in Monaco. Delegates
were in wonder to see the roof of the restaurant open to reveal
the night sky. One or two members were late and made their
apologies that they had missed the exit on the M42. After
a pleasant meal and coffee served with After Eights (25 Euros
per wafer) the new rules for 2015 were announced. Members
were generally happy with the new regulations but the most
significant rule change was kept until the end of the meeting,
sadly by then most had departed leaving the club chairman
to settle the bill.
English car constructors Morgan announce that they are to
enter the World Endurance Championship. The Malvern manufacturers
say they have been impressed by the concept of the Nissan
ZEOD type race cars. The narrow front track has been of considerable
interest to them. A spokesman for the new Morgan racing team
which be known as MOGGIE said that the concept has been developed
around the historic Morgan principal of using three wheels
rather than four. Weight saving and aerodynamic efficiency
are behind the design brief. The new Morgan WEC car has two
rear wheels and one front. The power from the steam turbine
is driven through the single front axle.
Morgan cars under the name MOGGIE enter the WEC event at
Spa.. Lord Dyson, a keen exponent of novel race car design,
was released from hospital after a short spell in intensive
care. The novel vehicle was found under the retaining tyre
barrier at La Source. The driver was heard to say “She
understeers a bit…”as he was pulled from the wreckage.
||Charles Morgan tests the first prototype of
the revolutionary 3 wheeler. Note the innovative Frontal Head
Restraint, a silk scarf knotted to the rollbar.
The new relationship between Honda and McLaren has not gone
well. Jenson Button has recently started mowing his lawn with
his Honda mower and he noticed that the engine repeatedly
cut out and he had to be towed from his back garden. The mower
then caught fire and burned his shed down. A spokesman for
Honda said that the problems were to be expected with a new
power unit and he felt that a small adjustment to the ride
height with that funny looking red lever under the seat should
allow the team to make progress. Fernando Alonso was able
to put his mower on the second row of the grid at the Chinese
Scotland Yard have announced that no charges will be brought
against a number of individuals arrested under Operation Yewtree.
Inspector P Lod speaking at a news conference admitted that
arresting every driver that competed in the 1976 Grand Prix
season was perhaps a step too far. When questioned he explained
that the rationale behind the arrests was that these people
had been famous in the 1970s and now forgotten and therefore
were very likely to have committed crimes. He failed to apologise
to the surviving sportsmen saying "you never can be too
careful you know".
Bernie Ecclestone announces his retirement from his ruling
position within Formula 1. A short list of candidates to replace
him has been drawn up. These include ex politician Nick Clegg,
who lost seat (along with his deposit) at the recent general
election, Salman Rushdie the author, Sir Ian Botham the ex
sportsman and Sister Wendy the art historian. Suggestions
that somebody who actually knows about motorsport was considered
for the job were said to be wide of the mark.
||Formula One could be run by a pensioner who
is completely out of touch with proper motorsport, and has lived
protected from the real world for many years. Alternatively,
Sister Wendy could take the job over from Bernie.
||Clumsily photoshopped picture purporting to
show Ron and Fred being friends.
There were further troubles for the McLaren team when it
was disclosed that Fernando Alonso had leaked design documents
to his old friends at Ferrari. The FIA have now ruled that
that the lawn mower blades constitute a movable aerodynamic
device. Mr Dennis has been fined $1,000,000 by the FIA. He
was told that the breakdown of the fine was $1 for breaking
the Concorde agreement and $999,999 for being a w**ker. It
would seem that Mr Moseley still has power with the FIA.
The British Grand Prix this year is held at Cadwell Park.
The Lincolnshire circuit being chosen after intense competition
from Brands Hatch and Donington Park. The fast swoops of the
undulating track being used for the first time for Formula
1 cars. Pole position was taken by Nico Rosberg in his Mercedes.
Lewis Hamilton filled the other space on the front row after
making an uncharacteristic error at the Mountain and crashing
in to the Medical Centre. Dr N E R D’Eath was at the
time of the incident attending to the amorous needs of one
of the Child Protection Officers (see Max Verstappen) . The
social worker in question was heard to say that she was hoping
that the earth would move but was surprised when the ceiling
caved in after the Mercedes landed on the roof.
MSVR, the owners of Cadwell Park report that they hope the
queue for the ladies lavatory will clear by September.
|It wouldn't be the first time a car has landed
on the roof - Major Peter Braid suffered bruising when his Cooper
MkIII ended up on the roof at Blandford Camp in 1949
|This is either the scrutineering bay in North
Korea, or the world's scariest boy band video.
The FIA announce that several new races will be added to
the 2016 calendar. Skeptics wonder whether these novel events
may be to allow Honda to circumvent the ruling on the number
of engines available per year. Current regulations specify
that only five power units are available per season. Should
the number of races be more than twenty the rule can be relaxed.
The promoters of the Grand Prix in North Korea, Moldova,
Greenland, The Solomon Islands, Papua New Guinea and South
Georgia are all adamant that their races will go ahead in
2016. Jean Todt was unavailable for comment but an FIA spokesman
explained that the full calendar would be implemented but
he was sorry to announce that the race planned for one of
the Moons of Jupiter had been cancelled. Mr Ecclestone is
The World Anti Doping Administration WADA have announced
some changes to the list of permitted drugs and chemical stimulants.
During the latter part of 2014 there had been suggestions
from an unconfirmed Middle Eastern source that bacon Sandwiches
contained a hitherto unknown performance enhancing substance.
It was noted that certain drivers had performed unexpectedly
well when they had eaten this delicacy prior to racing. The
suspicions had been confirmed during a trip to Spa Francorchamps
when the same drivers had only had Frites and Mayonnaise and
their performance had been much reduced. After exhaustive
tests it was decided that burger vans would be banned from
all UK circuits.
WADA further examined the popular cold and flu remedy ‘Night
Nurse’.. It is well known that it is a particularly
pleasant drug that affords cold sufferers a good night’s
sleep. Until now it has been considered to contain a banned
substance. WADA have looked at the evidence and reaffirmed
their previous rulings but have now allowed the new drug ‘Afternoon
Nurse in the Motorhome’ to be allowed for club motorsport
competitors. The new remedy will be available at all UK circuits
if the temperature drops below 15C and rain is forecast.
||Samantha, the Monoposto nurse, seen in a paddock.
The BBC Top Gear programme makes the news again. In an effort
to increase awareness of motoring in the Middle East the popular
TV team have moved production to the United Arab Emirates.
Jeremy Clarkson explained that he was enjoying his new life
but was finding it strange that he has been branded a namby
pamby liberal softie with worryingly left wing views since
moving to Dubai.
The ever popular slot in the programme of A Star in a reasonably
priced car has continued only with an Emirati flavour. Some
local viewers have criticized the choice of Ferrari California
as the reasonably priced car. A man with a beard suggested
that it was a ridiculous choice as he certainly didn’t
know anyone with a car that cheap.
Hyundai, Dacia and Isuzu have announced that they will entering
Formula 1 in 2016. Possible drivers include Pastor Maldonado,
Jim Timms and Peter Venn, in the event of none of these veterans
being available the new teams have asked applications from
anyone with a clean driving licence.
Jennifer Sirrell has requested an alteration in Monoposto
rules to allow the fitting of a baby seat in her race car.
After months of unhappiness with the handling of his 2015
Ferrari the mechanics cut a 4x4cm hole in the undertray of
Sebastian Vettel’s car. The young German driver immediately
found two seconds a lap and stated that he was happy that
at last he a had a blown floor.
Jenson Button finishes mowing his lawn.
Monoposto has long desired to be seen as an Eco Friendly
Club and to this end a new class of Mono E has been formed.
Cars must conform to the usual safety standards and weight
restrictions but propulsive power must be entirely from used
Red Top batteries. It was decided that this would be an economical
solution as all members have several of these items in their
workshops. There are to be two classes. 12 and 24 volts, this
will allow members with particularly flat batteries to double
up and extract the last few Watts of power. Some reservations
were expressed about the power units and it was suggested
that removal of spark plugs and engagement of the starter
motors should guarantee at least 25 yards of competitive racing.
The purchase of new batteries would be considered unsporting
and would result in instant suspension from all club activities.
|Regular readers will not be surprised to learn
that Asst Ed carries pictures of Red Top batteries on his computer.
Below, Jenson's garden after a few Motor Mower Generator
Unit - Heat development non-conformal sub-optimal temperature
performance alignment occurences. (Mclaren Ron-speak for "fire".)