After the success of Lewis Hamilton’s entry into the
world of popular music in the form of a Hip Hop
release, Monoposto’s own Ewen Sergison decides to do
the same. So far sales of his single Avit Rap have
been disappointing but Amazon (Bolivia Branch) have
decided to make it their record of the month.
Expectations are high that there may be movement in
the download charts yet. The lyrics which included
lines such as “Come here ‘ho an’ smell my burning
rubber” were felt to be a little rich even for Radio
At a press conference after an FIA meeting an
unknown protester jumps on stage and throws handfuls
of money at Bernie Ecclestone. Never one to let a
revenue generating opportunity go Mr Ecclestone
cancels the press conference in order to enable him
to pick up the bank notes.
The novelty microphone used to record Avit Rap
lacked some clarity, which was a good thing.
An watch from a shopping channel. It says
Delorean on it to remind you that John Delorean
might have thought F1 finances "a bit innovative".
And also to remind you that in some F1 races time
passes VERY slowly
Donald Trump announces that should he become the
next President of the USA he will cancel the Texas
Grand Prix as many of the drivers would appear to
have foreign sounding names. Furthermore he has
noticed that Jenson Button, Fernando Alonso and
others have beards and therefore could be assumed to
be Muslims. Mr Trump explained to his followers that
having bearded young men strapped to machines with a
large quantity of inflammable material was likely to
be a risk to Homeland Security. Mr Trump is 96.
In a shock announcement Channel Four which had
recently been granted the rights to screen Formula
One have decided that they can no longer fulfill the
financial demands of CVC Capital. The Shopping
Channel picks up the television rights. In future
whenever there is a dull moment during the live
races there will be advertisements for kitchenware
and cheap necklaces. It is anticipated that the
advertisements will occupy most of the schedule as
there are quite a lot of dull moments during many a
Donald Trump, yesterday
In an unexpected announcement from their
Wolverhampton Head Quarters the CEO of the Shopping
Channel Mr BuyOneGetOneFree Smith states that they
had made their choice for the new presenting team in
Formula One television. Monoposto’s very own roving
race reported Tony Cotton was announced as the
‘Face’ of live coverage. His experience in reporting
on Monoposto events and his incisive interviewing
style were taken into consideration but the deciding
factor was that he was in possession of his own
ipad. Mr Cotton was said to have been reluctant to
give up his lucrative contract with Startline
Magazine but when told that his fellow reporters
would include several Victoria Secrets models and a
weather girl he accepted the role. Mr Cotton and Mr
Griffin are seen entering a hair transplant
The Shopping Channel TV coverage team. Eddie
Jordan is still the wierdest of the presenters.
|Asst editor's i-pad. (Joke
copyright S Jobs, c 2008)
Some very polite trousers, on fire.
The first Grand Prix of the season takes place, Only
cars with Mercedes engines are permitted to start
practice in an effort to reach equality on engine
power. Teams using other engines complain that
fitting the little V6 into their existing cars next
to the current engines is proving difficult. Even
with the addition of a second engine McLaren’s
Fernando Alonso still complains that he has “A GP2
engine”. Pastor Maldonado crashes at turn one, lap
one. The race finishes with the cars and drivers in
the same order as they qualified.
The lack of track action means that Tony Cotton
finds himself filling in the two hours of commentary
explaining some of the finer points of changes in
the law and VAT. The Shopping Channel ‘phone lines
light up as viewers praise his trousers-on-fire
style. “It’s as if Murray Walker was back” explained
one excited viewer.
Viewing figures prove disappointing for the Shopping
Channel and in an effort to drum up interest for its
sister organization Channel Four embark on a new
series, Formula One Big Brother. In this new
programme all the current formula one and many past
drivers are locked in a special house and watched on
CCTV for 24 hours a day. Susie Wolff is suddenly in
demand again as the drivers go into enforced purdah.
Several forgotten drivers hoping to regain their
drives enter the house.
A special commission to discuss corruption in sport
is formed. The delegates include Sepp Blatter, Seb
Coe, members of the Qatar government, the owners of
Nike and Bernie Ecclestone. No early conclusions are
made but brown envelopes stuffed with money are
passed around to keep the delegates in practice.
Formula One Big Brother. Who would YOU vote out?
(L-R Fernando, Jacques, Susie , Pastor)
Pastor has fallen in the water.
Spectators at the recent Formula E race are
given headphones that play sounds of real racing
cars. Archive sound recordings of Ferrari V12
engines are played simultaneously as the silent cars
pass the grandstands. Formula E announces a new
series sponsor Wholehealthnow(and again).com. The
worldwide leaders in Homeopathic remedies state that
their useless drugs complement the useless racing
series. Leading driver De Grassi states that nothing
gets him going in the morning like a cup of
Tumblewood tea and a spoonful of Porcupine Urine
extract. New rules in this environmental series make
pit stops mandatory. During these stops the cars are
plugged into any available three point socket and
connected to the 240 volt mains supply. The drivers
go and have a vegan lunch and some alcohol free
lager. After a couple of hours the batteries are
full enough to produce the 120 BHP required to
finish the race. Spectators are encouraged to bring
sandwiches for this section of the proceedings. Some
bring beds. Sales of Avit Rap pick up unexpectedly
as Team Avit’s number one driver is chosen as
Doncaster’s own candidate for the Eurovision song
contest. The new video with the complete tune
played using nothing but the exhaust note of a
slightly tired Ford Zetec engine is currently
in production in a shed behind the pits at Mallory
Both pictures claim to be "sorted for e's and
wizz". (gedit? asst ed) Cocker was being ironic,
but Formula E is truly a very credible and
exciting race series (according to Mr Grifffin's
Formula One Big Brother comes to an end and the
joint winners are announced as all of the dropped
Red Bull drivers. A spokesman for the drivers
explains that it means a great deal to these men in
their mid twenties who have driven for Torro Rosso
over the last few years and been ousted by younger
and less experienced drivers. Helmut Marko is 96.
Once again question marks are raised about the
future of the British Grand Prix. Due to concerns
about safety the aerial show and the regular
performance of the Red Arrows was held over
Bridlington Beach some two hundred miles from
Silverstone. Spectators watching the show live on
the big screens stated that it was no worse than
watching the race on the screens. The Health and
Safety Executive reported that even Bridlington was
a little “too close for comfort” and next year
suggested that the organizers put on live flower
arranging to entertain the crowds during the lunch
The group of talented F1 drivers cast aside by
the Red Bullies of Torro Rosso
"Genial" Jo Stalin
"Just a Country Boy" - Pol Pot
A tasty Eccles cake.
"Sing if you're glad to be.....Vlad"
During the annual break from the Formula One season
Bernie Ecclestone attempts to keep up interest by
making a few choice remarks. During his summer break
with Vladimir Putin at his Crimea retreat Bernie
explains that Josef Stalin was a “good bloke”, Pol
Pot was “not as nasty as some would believe” and
that all countries that have ever elected female
leaders were “basket cases” and “deserved whatever
was coming to them”. When Mr Ecclestone’s was asked
if he had any anxieties about the age difference
between himself and his 25 year old Brazilian
girlfriend he replied “No. No of course not. If she
dies she dies”. Mr Ecclestone is 196.
At the Silverstone Classic meeting a job lot of Van
Diemen RF82s is offered at the Bonham’s auction. The
twelve cars have good provenance as they have all
been driven by Ayrton Senna. At a press conference
after the sale Mr D Healey explains that Senna drove
most of the RF82s ever manufactured, this was a well
known fact amongst the motorsport community. He
reminded the press that he was offering one of the
few cars not to have been driven by the great
Brazilian at a reasonable cost from his Northern
A female leader
The Red Bull Formula One team continues to be
unhappy with the engine supply from TAG Heuer. Pit
stops are proving to be a major headache as the
mechanics find winding up the mechanism on the clock
quite tricky without disturbing the date.
Alistair Bell makes a welcome return to Monoposto
during the month. He chooses Snetterton as it is the
only venue with a long enough straight to get a
Boeing 777-300 down safely. He has considered Croft
but the grass runway was a little short. Members of
the CSCC who are sharing the paddock with Monoposto
for the event complain bitterly as Mr Bell taxis
through the paddock and parks behind the pits.
Several awnings and at least one barbeque are
damaged. One disgruntled CSCC competitor was heard
to say ”These bl**dy Mono blokes, they think they
can park their Boeings anywhere”. The Cathay Pacific
passengers were given a guided coach tour of the
local dogging sites in Thetford Forrest before
resuming their journey to Heathrow. On arrival
technicians at LHR questioned Mr Bell on why there
was a sign reading ‘Scrutineering Bay’ stuck between
the front wheels of the ‘plane. It was only later
when a passenger noticed that airline name had been
painted over and replaced with the logo AVIT AIR.
Special livery on Cathay 777-300
The TagHeuer KERS shown at launch of the RB12.
McLarens testing the new system.
The singer Adele releases her new album Captain
Salty’s Lonely Planet Band. Immediately all seven
billion people on the planet download the video.
Featuring tracks with names such as ‘He loves you,
no, no, no’, ‘Rosie in the sky with Rubies’ and
‘Elaine Bigby’ the album is panned by the musical
press. Dismissing suggestions of plagiarism Adele
claims she has never heard of the Rolling Stones.
McLaren Honda decide to cut their losses with their
Formula One hybrid engine. Fernando Alonso is found
asleep at the wheel during the Italian Grand Prix.
Honda brings the 1.5 litre V6 turbo from the 1980s
back from retirement. In order to comply with the
regulations a solar panel is fitted across the rear
wing, this extra 25 Watts of power seems to make the
difference. Jenson Button expresses some anxieties
about performance during the night races at
Singapore and Abu Dhabi.
Adele. Sorry, A Dell.
Robbie Watts secures a worldwide deal to install new
branches of M&S in every capital city. Speaking
after being named the new test driver with Sauber Mr
Watts expresses his delight in having lapped two
seconds faster than the current renta drivers
Ericsson and Nasr. It is expected that the Sauber
cars will carry the RAW logo in 2017.
In a shock announcement Prince Albert of Monaco
cancels the annual Grand Prix, he cites timing
conflict involving the schedule of his lunch and
booked satellite space. Prince Albert is 196Kg.
Bernie Ecclestone immediately replaces the Monaco
race with a street race in Rochdale. Ticket sales
No idea if Robbie was involved but here are 2
M&S Stores built on old car factories
(Banbury/Prodrive and Longbridge/AustinRover)
The Sauber C34 in RAW livery
Nothing ever happens in December.
Happy New Year everyone