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A sneaky preview of 2016


After an eerily accurate set of predictions for 2015, Steve Griffin gets his crystal balls out for 2016.

January
After the success of Lewis Hamilton’s entry into the world of popular music in the form of a Hip Hop release, Monoposto’s own Ewen Sergison decides to do the same. So far sales of his single Avit Rap have been disappointing but Amazon (Bolivia Branch) have decided to make it their record of the month. Expectations are high that there may be movement in the download charts yet. The lyrics which included lines such as “Come here ‘ho an’ smell my burning rubber” were felt to be a little rich even for Radio One.

At a press conference after an FIA meeting an unknown protester jumps on stage and throws handfuls of money at Bernie Ecclestone. Never one to let a revenue generating opportunity go Mr Ecclestone cancels the press conference in order to enable him to pick up the bank notes.

The novelty microphone used to record Avit Rap lacked some clarity, which was a good thing.

A ho.





An watch from a shopping channel. It says Delorean on it to remind you that John Delorean might have thought F1 finances "a bit innovative". And also to remind you that in some F1 races time passes VERY slowly
February
Donald Trump announces that should he become the next President of the USA he will cancel the Texas Grand Prix as many of the drivers would appear to have foreign sounding names. Furthermore he has noticed that Jenson Button, Fernando Alonso and others have beards and therefore could be assumed to be Muslims. Mr Trump explained to his followers that having bearded young men strapped to machines with a large quantity of inflammable material was likely to be a risk to Homeland Security. Mr Trump is 96.

In a shock announcement Channel Four which had recently been granted the rights to screen Formula One have decided that they can no longer fulfill the financial demands of CVC Capital. The Shopping Channel picks up the television rights. In future whenever there is a dull moment during the live races there will be advertisements for kitchenware and cheap necklaces. It is anticipated that the advertisements will occupy most of the schedule as there are quite a lot of dull moments during many a Grand Prix.

Donald Trump, yesterday
March
In an unexpected announcement from their Wolverhampton Head Quarters the CEO of the Shopping Channel Mr BuyOneGetOneFree Smith states that they had made their choice for the new presenting team in Formula One television. Monoposto’s very own roving race reported Tony Cotton was announced as the ‘Face’ of live coverage. His experience in reporting on Monoposto events and his incisive interviewing style were taken into consideration but the deciding factor was that he was in possession of his own ipad. Mr Cotton was said to have been reluctant to give up his lucrative contract with Startline Magazine but when told that his fellow reporters would include several Victoria Secrets models and a weather girl he accepted the role. Mr Cotton and Mr Griffin are seen entering a hair transplant facility.

The Shopping Channel TV coverage team. Eddie Jordan is still the wierdest of the presenters.

Asst editor's i-pad. (Joke copyright S Jobs, c 2008)





Some very polite trousers, on fire.
April
The first Grand Prix of the season takes place, Only cars with Mercedes engines are permitted to start practice in an effort to reach equality on engine power. Teams using other engines complain that fitting the little V6 into their existing cars next to the current engines is proving difficult. Even with the addition of a second engine McLaren’s Fernando Alonso still complains that he has “A GP2 engine”. Pastor Maldonado crashes at turn one, lap one. The race finishes with the cars and drivers in the same order as they qualified.

The lack of track action means that Tony Cotton finds himself filling in the two hours of commentary explaining some of the finer points of changes in the law and VAT. The Shopping Channel ‘phone lines light up as viewers praise his trousers-on-fire style. “It’s as if Murray Walker was back” explained one excited viewer.


A Montage of Maldonado crashes
Click here to find out whether Maldonado has crashed today

May
Viewing figures prove disappointing for the Shopping Channel and in an effort to drum up interest for its sister organization Channel Four embark on a new series, Formula One Big Brother. In this new programme all the current formula one and many past drivers are locked in a special house and watched on CCTV for 24 hours a day. Susie Wolff is suddenly in demand again as the drivers go into enforced purdah. Several forgotten drivers hoping to regain their drives enter the house.

A special commission to discuss corruption in sport is formed. The delegates include Sepp Blatter, Seb Coe, members of the Qatar government, the owners of Nike and Bernie Ecclestone. No early conclusions are made but brown envelopes stuffed with money are passed around to keep the delegates in practice.


Formula One Big Brother. Who would YOU vote out?
(L-R Fernando, Jacques, Susie , Pastor)


Pastor has fallen in the water.



June
 Spectators at the recent Formula E race are given headphones that play sounds of real racing cars. Archive sound recordings of Ferrari V12 engines are played simultaneously as the silent cars pass the grandstands. Formula E announces a new series sponsor Wholehealthnow(and again).com. The worldwide leaders in Homeopathic remedies state that their useless drugs complement the useless racing series. Leading driver De Grassi states that nothing gets him going in the morning like a cup of Tumblewood tea and a spoonful of Porcupine Urine extract. New rules in this environmental series make pit stops mandatory. During these stops the cars are plugged into any available three point socket and connected to the 240 volt mains supply. The drivers go and have a vegan lunch and some alcohol free lager. After a couple of hours the batteries are full enough to produce the 120 BHP required to finish the race. Spectators are encouraged to bring sandwiches for this section of the proceedings. Some bring beds. Sales of Avit Rap pick up unexpectedly as Team Avit’s number one driver is chosen as Doncaster’s own candidate for the Eurovision song contest. The new video with the complete tune played using nothing but the exhaust note of a slightly tired Ford Zetec engine is currently in production in a shed behind the pits at Mallory park circuit.

Both pictures claim to be "sorted for e's and wizz". (gedit? asst ed) Cocker was being ironic, but Formula E is truly a very credible and exciting race series (according to Mr Grifffin's lawyers).




July
Formula One Big Brother comes to an end and the joint winners are announced as all of the dropped Red Bull drivers. A spokesman for the drivers explains that it means a great deal to these men in their mid twenties who have driven for Torro Rosso over the last few years and been ousted by younger and less experienced drivers. Helmut Marko is 96.

Once again question marks are raised about the future of the British Grand Prix. Due to concerns about safety the aerial show and the regular performance of the Red Arrows was held over Bridlington Beach some two hundred miles from Silverstone. Spectators watching the show live on the big screens stated that it was no worse than watching the race on the screens. The Health and Safety Executive reported that even Bridlington was a little “too close for comfort” and next year suggested that the organizers put on live flower arranging to entertain the crowds during the lunch break.


The group of talented F1 drivers cast aside by the Red Bullies of Torro Rosso


The
Redarrers



"Genial" Jo Stalin

"Just a Country Boy" - Pol Pot

A tasty Eccles cake.

"Sing if you're glad to be.....Vlad"
August
During the annual break from the Formula One season Bernie Ecclestone attempts to keep up interest by making a few choice remarks. During his summer break with Vladimir Putin at his Crimea retreat Bernie explains that Josef Stalin was a “good bloke”, Pol Pot was “not as nasty as some would believe” and that all countries that have ever elected female leaders were “basket cases” and “deserved whatever was coming to them”. When Mr Ecclestone’s was asked if he had any anxieties about the age difference between himself and his 25 year old Brazilian girlfriend he replied “No. No of course not. If she dies she dies”. Mr Ecclestone is 196.

At the Silverstone Classic meeting a job lot of Van Diemen RF82s is offered at the Bonham’s auction. The twelve cars have good provenance as they have all been driven by Ayrton Senna. At a press conference after the sale Mr D Healey explains that Senna drove most of the RF82s ever manufactured, this was a well known fact amongst the motorsport community. He reminded the press that he was offering one of the few cars not to have been driven by the great Brazilian at a reasonable cost from his Northern Distribution Centre.

A female leader


September
The Red Bull Formula One team continues to be unhappy with the engine supply from TAG Heuer. Pit stops are proving to be a major headache as the mechanics find winding up the mechanism on the clock quite tricky without disturbing the date.

Alistair Bell makes a welcome return to Monoposto during the month. He chooses Snetterton as it is the only venue with a long enough straight to get a Boeing 777-300 down safely. He has considered Croft but the grass runway was a little short. Members of the CSCC who are sharing the paddock with Monoposto for the event complain bitterly as Mr Bell taxis through the paddock and parks behind the pits. Several awnings and at least one barbeque are damaged. One disgruntled CSCC competitor was heard to say ”These bl**dy Mono blokes, they think they can park their Boeings anywhere”. The Cathay Pacific passengers were given a guided coach tour of the local dogging sites in Thetford Forrest before resuming their journey to Heathrow. On arrival technicians at LHR questioned Mr Bell on why there was a sign reading ‘Scrutineering Bay’ stuck between the front wheels of the ‘plane. It was only later when a passenger noticed that airline name had been painted over and replaced with the logo AVIT AIR.


Special livery on Cathay 777-300

The TagHeuer KERS shown at launch of the RB12.



McLarens testing the new system.

October
The singer Adele releases her new album Captain Salty’s Lonely Planet Band. Immediately all seven billion people on the planet download the video. Featuring tracks with names such as ‘He loves you, no, no, no’, ‘Rosie in the sky with Rubies’ and ‘Elaine Bigby’ the album is panned by the musical press. Dismissing suggestions of plagiarism Adele claims she has never heard of the Rolling Stones.

McLaren Honda decide to cut their losses with their Formula One hybrid engine. Fernando Alonso is found asleep at the wheel during the Italian Grand Prix. Honda brings the 1.5 litre V6 turbo from the 1980s back from retirement. In order to comply with the regulations a solar panel is fitted across the rear wing, this extra 25 Watts of power seems to make the difference. Jenson Button expresses some anxieties about performance during the night races at Singapore and Abu Dhabi.


Adele. Sorry, A Dell.
November
Robbie Watts secures a worldwide deal to install new branches of M&S in every capital city. Speaking after being named the new test driver with Sauber Mr Watts expresses his delight in having lapped two seconds faster than the current renta drivers Ericsson and Nasr. It is expected that the Sauber cars will carry the RAW logo in 2017.

In a shock announcement Prince Albert of Monaco cancels the annual Grand Prix, he cites timing conflict involving the schedule of his lunch and booked satellite space. Prince Albert is 196Kg. Bernie Ecclestone immediately replaces the Monaco race with a street race in Rochdale. Ticket sales are slow.


No idea if Robbie was involved but here are 2 M&S Stores built on old car factories (Banbury/Prodrive and Longbridge/AustinRover)

The Sauber C34 in RAW livery



December
Nothing ever happens in December.

Happy New Year everyone

Steven Griffin




 


Disclaimer: The above represents only the unofficial view of the writer and not of the Monoposto Racing Club in any way whatsover. Subheadlines and captions are not originated from the named author. We are unable to reproduce results due to copyright reasons. If any pictures are copyright and the owner wishes them removed please email us.